Goodnight

I don't get math, I don't understand it, it's cold and straight to the point and clean and cut. Science and art are messy and individualized and completely unclean and equally absurd. They are passion and they are warm and that's why I love them. There's nothing that I hate more than the winter. Having to separate yourself from the sun with jackets and buttons and hiding your face from the wind hurts my soul. I'm perpetually cold and I was built for the summer. I was made with bare feet and a curious mind, I was made to explore. I was made to meet people, and help people, and I was made to make mistakes. I was made ragged and unsure and I was made to want to please others. And really I hate that about myself, I wish I didn't have to care what people thought, but I do. And while I will still wear drop crotch pants and a horribly big and dirty old man jacket I bought, and still haven't washed, from goodwill, I still care about making people laugh. And even the parts I hate about myself I've learned to love, because I am all I've got, I am the closest person I'll ever be to. No one will know my thoughts like I do, even when I try to write down the right words things aren't completely there. But I am trying, I am making mistakes and trying to tell myself how to avoid them again later. I am trying to love more people and to know more things and to think about more things and to care more about more things. I am trying, and I am trying, and I am trying, and I won't ever figure it all out but till the day I die I want to be learning, I want to be taught by children and by veterans, and teachers who love their jobs, from doctors and artists and the homeless, from the ants who when you knock over their hill don't even dust themselves off but only dig again. I am going to be better, I am going to work harder, and I'm going to fall in love with everything I see. 

Goodnight 

I love you

- J