To you my love

Getting older scares me. I saw something sweet on the Internet and it hit me in chest like a ton of bricks. I have a lot of feelings and sometimes I have none. I'm the loudest when I'm the most insecure. I'm usually also the funniest then too. I will never let someone make me pathetic ever again. All these years being small has taught me to hate being looked down on. That's why I wear my fathers steel toed  boots. I obsess easily. I fall in love with things easily. I imagine people as the best they can be. I don't eat meat because I feel like an animals soul is more pure than mine. I eat plants because they take our waste and drink in the sun and grow from the ground that birthed us, and they taste like home. I love sunburns. I love being barefoot and I love clothes that make you feel like you have something to say. Becasue I do have something to say, even if it's a whole list of nothing's, because those nothing's are me, I am the space between decisions, I am the eyes that remember the past, I have a brain and lungs and as long as I have air to breath I will be yelling hoping someone hears me hoping my voice can impact another. I've only ever loved two people, and I'm not even sure it was love. So I want to love more people, I want to care for more people I want to hold the worst parts of more people and I want to truly see more people. I will paint more and learn more and I will make everything and everyone I touch better. I want to be felt and heard and I want to matter. To be missed is to be loved. And you miss me I know you do. Whatever happened to people sticking together being a member of the tribe or the clan or the church used to mean something, now none of us have anybody. People don't care about people we all have beating hearts and we don't care about each other. What kind of life are we living. We hate because we don't understand and we hate because we understand too much and everyone seems to know everything it makes me sick. I barely know anything, the only thing I'm certain of is absolute uncertainty. We all pretend to know so much but none of us know anything, scientist, priest, politician, exceptionally well read tween, we're all on this rock and we are walking in bodies that we woke up in and we don't know where we came from so stop. Just breath because that's something we all know, if you stop thinking you can feel the collective inhale and exhale of everything living on this earth. You are a piece of the whole, you belong, you are loved and needed and valuable. Your voice fills the sails of someone else's mind. You matter because you exist. 

I will always love you

-J