Wonder

I'm closer to twenty than I am to ten and I'm just as lost as ever. I'm still not sure where wind comes from or how the Internet works, and I don't understand why we have dreams. And, I'm not sure I ever want to. At the zoo I've seen wonder in the eyes of my nephew, and I want to do everything in my power to keep that for myself. I want to cry when I see the stars, or the ocean, or ants carrying leafs. I want to be fully and entirely taken by every experience. I want to watch the sunset and not just look at it, I want to try new foods and not just taste them, everything will be new, everything will be beautiful, and I will be in love with every day. 

For my Autumn

Autumn Crafton was a real hard headed bitch. But she also really loved flowers. She would tell me about how she would name her children after them, and how beautiful her daughters would be, more often than not Autumn was happy. She had a kind of laugh somewhere between hilarity and hysteria, she'd cry when she heard a good joke. Autumn would be there when you needed her, but she never chose sides. She would walk in your door and open your pantry, she would make herself your Mac and Cheese. You couldn't ever really tell Autumn "no", she either never understood it or just never listened to it. Autumn Crafton would sew flower prints onto her clothes and she would never be the kind of person who ran from the rain. Autumn was good, the kind of person who brings you pasta when something bad happens. Summer and winter can be sort of hit or miss, but something that is always true is the autumn is always warm.   

I love you Autumn

-J

What I wanna be

I want art to pour out of me like sweat or like tears, actually more like blood. I want you to look at me and see every part of me is saturated by it. I want paintings with scratches and poetry with bruises, I want to make real life beauty. Beaten down and messy, beautiful work. Sweaty and dirty, bottom of the pond mud drenched concepts, I want you to read my mind. I am lonely and lost don't worry I know where I am going. If I could break your bones, or my own bones, with words I would. I would paint the sky with almost somethings and not quite rights, I would make a place for you to belong. Art is my blood, art is my family, art is my place to belong. My home my shelter my 4 a.m. phone call, I think I've finally made it. With bloody feet and ripped open callouses I am here on your doorstep, I am something more than myself, my heart beats far past the idea of me. Goosebumps from a dance or a kiss or a really great love letter, is where I want to live. On a pile of mistakes or on a heap of disappointments is probably where you can find me, but I'm looking up to the stars. 

-J

Who you were and who you will be

I am writing because I am afraid that if I don't I will forget how. I have slept too long and my muscles have shriveled I am a fish out of water. I have forgotten what it is like to see something finished, and now I'm not sure if I even can. I used to run a lot, I always knew I could make it to where I wanted to go, for some reason I stopped and now I can't run a mile. Every word sounds wrong in my head, every painting seems like it is missing something, I believe I am feeling shrunk. So I have started at the start with stretches and growing pains, I am relearning how to walk. I've heard the road to success is paved with pavement, so here I lay down my transgressions and and my watered down poetry, my missed wishes and almost somethings, I will lace up my shoes, walk forward and I will run again. 

Here is to being who you were and becoming who you want to be. 

-J

What I've learned so far

You are what you write, people will forget your face but will remember what you had to say. Sometimes friends are not actually your friends and it's okay to realize that. You are not here living for the satisfaction of others, you are here to learn. Sometimes the universe will throw a lesson in your face, sometimes you have to go and look for it. There is a great beauty in simplicity and there is comfort in taking deep breaths. You are an active part of the state of the universe, your heartbeat controls the storm clouds over France, you are the butterfly of the butterfly effect. The world is floating in a fluid and your actions ripple across the surface, your message is amplified over distances and your voice is heard. It is important to know what you stand for.  It is important to find yourself and also important to lose yourself, take a second to stand in awe of something. Make a conscious effort to see more beautiful things, go to bed with messy hair and dirty hands, you are a product of this planet. Never stop learning, never stop changing, never stop becoming what you are being shaped to be. Love yourself so that you can love others. Find the people that make you the best person you can be. I am not sure of much but I am sure of these: I will continually change, I will whole heartedly love, I will always run toward beautiful things. 

                          30/30

-J

Float on

Learn from the fish in the fish bowl that it is acceptable just to exist. No one owns your time so it can not be wasted, it is not a crime to take a breath. Sleep when you feel like it, take naps in the middle of the day, wake up late and go to bed early, it's your life and no one else's you don't owe anyone anything. A plant can not continually produce, it must take time to inhale. You can only hold the world up for so long perhaps it is time you take a rest. Take a moment to count all of the stars and all of the grains of sand on the beach, try on a new perspective, accept that the problems of today will mean very little in a handful of hours, take a deep breath. You have a brain that works and cells that are growing you are going to be fine. When your heart beats fast as you are drowning in lists of things to do, take a moment to float on top of the waves, because every little thing, is gonna be alright. 

                        29/30

-J 

Trust me on this

I exist like a child in a summertime swimming pool, making splashes because it seems like the thing to do. I am messy and flawed and not quite sure how things work, I am clunky and clumsy and my edges are round but incredibly rough. When you say something to me, plan on repeating yourself, if you ask me to do something I will most definitely need reminding, but I promise if you need me I will be there. I will make every effort to make you feel loved, I will remind you that you are important. When you doubt yourself I will tell you to trust yourself, when you are down on yourself I will lift you up. If a friend is someone who cares about your state of being, then I am your friend. I usually don't have the right words to say, or the right way of saying things but I will do my best for you. You are the way you are supposed to be, your smile matters, your way of thinking is original, you are special, you are important, and you are loved. 

                            28/30

-J 

You are valid

Everything doesn't need to be so complicated. Enjoy something just because you do, write something because you felt it needed to be said, feel what you feel and accept your own validity. Take a second to breathe, close your eyes, bathe in simplicity, and dream of simple times. 

                         27/30

-J 

Entropy

House paint chips same as muscle tissue tears. Friendship degrades same as body decomposes. This is the unbreakable law of the land, the persistent tendency for things to fall apart. As a cell divides  information is lost and the body begins to age. A garden is raked and plants purposefully planted, and weeds come up when it rains. Time washes over us and everything is returned to dust, bridges break and iron rusts, this is how the world works. So do not be afraid when sidewalks are broken by a persistent dandelion, because it is the correction of an over abundance of originization, a reminder that we are only guests here. A field catches fire so new grass can grow, a tree falls so a sapling can see the sun, friendships fall apart so new ones can take root. All will always be right in the world, everything exactly as it should be. So take the time you are given, the wrinkles from your smile, and the scars from you failings and tell the universe thank you for letting you learn here. 

                          26/30

-J

Here's your sign

You are validated and correct you need no explanation. On the balance beam edges of a sidewalk curb tightrope do what makes sense to you. Run if you feel like it or sit down if you want, all of your decisions are truly yours to be made. Remove yourself from the competition, reevaluate if you are who you want to be, and change if you want to. Do not feel tied to old ways of thinking you can only exist as what you can understand now. Free your mind, clear your head, move forward. This is your sign, or maybe your push to do what you feel is right, to live how you want to live.  

                          24/30

-J

Songbirds

Songbirds sing because they can and they do not care if anyone is listening. Trees are not permanent they break in the wind and they are struck by lightning. Water flows where ever it is needed most, the sun rises independent of the hours you have been in bed. The world is the way people know things to be and the world is full of independent things, the songbird sings the cracked tree brings a reminder that your life is a cycle. The water covers you to cleanse you, the sun dries and darkens your skin, every piece to be repeated, every step an affirmation of the decisions of those before us. You and I are pieces of the same puzzle and all I know is I am not alone. Count me among the songbirds and busted trees, the running water and the sun, I am a piece of the pattern, I am a contributor to the collective consciousness. 

                        23/30 

-J

To being trashy, ugly and dirty

Trashy hair, ugly clothes, and dirty hands, I have never felt better. I've spent my money and time with plants and good company, I've traded stresses for succulents and furrowed eyebrows for flowers, I know where I am going. I laugh more than I speak, I paint more than I eat, I write everything I think. I commune with beetles and dandelions and over ambitious robins, I feel I belong. I have learned that money means nothing unless it was used to buy a hat, or cactuses or postcard worthy memories. I have learned who my friends are and who my friends aren't and I'm learning to be okay with that. I have begun to fill the giant shoes I've been standing in and have begun to understand what it is I am passionate for. I am finding out who it is that I am and I am learning I belong only to myself. Every day is getting warmer, everything is becoming clearer, and I am where I belong. 

                         22/30

-J

17-21-30 -J

          Lovers will die with 

Broken bones and broken hearts 

         Such is love and war 

                    21/30

                       -J 

For when I die

On the day I die bury me under an oak tree between decades of roots and under handfuls of earth, I will sleep like a baby. Take all my things and give them to whoever smiles biggest when they find them. 

Tell the children I turned into a star, show them Orion's belt at night and point out exactly where you imagine me to be. Cry once for me but never again because I've never been big on tears. When I die I pray the idea of who you think I am fills up your pages with stories and paintings and messy crazy lists for adventures. 

There's not much you can do wrong with true intention in your heart, trust yourself to make the right choices and never second guess yourself. Whatever you are feeling is always valid, and I will always be on your side. 

Now I don't know how dying works but I know part of me will be there when you are alone, never forget I am here for you written down on these pages. Through it all I only have three pieces of advice to give 

Do what makes you happy 

Whatever you do, make it beautifully 

Do something that matters and do it well 

In the springtime when the earth begins to bud, remember that I am here for you, I am the air in your lungs and the wind on your face, I am reclaimed by the universe and will never leave your side. 

                             20/30

-J

Inhale

Barefoot running on sidewalk chalk pavement, lost to the worries of the world, freedom under foot like hiking trail gravel forever leading home, heartbeat like battle drum pounding along the rail train tracks, lungs filling, feet drilling, mouth spilling forever kept secrets to the stars, every exhale like being punched every inhale a gasp, one foot in front of the other, lost in silence, lost in existence, breath, beat, feel, tomorrow is coming but now is already here so bask in it, you will be grown soon, you will be home soon, but now you are here, it is time to exsist. 

                            19/30

-J

Carnival state of mind

I am in love with the carnival state of mind. I am in love with the oddities, the spectacles and in love with the show. In moments of wonder there are no discriminatory factors. Every person is no longer an individual, but rather one piece of a collective gasp. At a carnival there are no boundaries, everything is part of the game, everything is up for grabs, nothing is off limits. I am an advocate for finding yourself, but I suggest you try losing yourself sometimes as well. When caught up in the moment I find myself most at home, just one onlooker in the sea of an audience. Cheeks sore from excessive laughing, eyes tired from endless staring, mind worn out from mouthfuls of wonder, a carnival is a great place to be, a temple tent dedicated to decadence and awe, a place where everyone is welcome. A somewhere that takes your breath away, larger than billboard people to awe over, and warmth and creativity and wonder all in a carnival state of mind. 

                           18/30

-J

             

Existence

Every day I learn to see things in new perspectives. The smallest things jump out at me like the universe has a lesson plan. Every day I become more myself and am more grateful for everything I have learned. I heard a tree creaking in the wind as if it were made of wood, and I remembered how important it is to remember where things come from. I saw someone I see everyday but their hair had grown inches and I was reminded of how quickly time passes if you are not paying attention. Everyday the lense I view the world with is altered ever so slightly and the mirror I view myself in is changed as well. I learn new words and new ways of saying things, I am learning who I am. I am changing like the sand on the shore, sculpted by each passing wave. Like the roots of plants I am soaking up the ground and drinking 

in the sun, I am growing. My life is my coming of age story, my Sisyphus experience in discovery, never quite capable of understanding it all. Unlike Sisyphus, I am content with my eternal pursuit, a love for the hunt. I am coming into my own, I am learning what it is to be me. May my headstone read "Justin Cole Kim, surveyor and pursuer of beautiful things." 

                          17/30

-J

Ripples

I pray my words become skipping stone ripples that spread across the surface of another's mind. I may not be able to reach all of the spectators of stardom, but I am capable of making magnetic poles of positive intention in my neck of the woods. The world is spilling over with rancid negativity, and it needs new shades of white light to turn things around. I can not promise to be nothing but positive, but I can promise to try. I will tell more people they are beautiful, I will make people see their own value. In the hallway I will smile and I will plant plants in between the cracks of the sidewalk. You will find me on the streets painting murals that read "You are right where you belong, you are important, you are needed" I will hang disco balls in the corners of your mind to reflect the shine you carry in your eyes. Like a coral reef I will be a home to whatever burdens you ask me to hold on to, when you have broken down on the track I will be there to throw you over my shoulder and drag us both to the finish line. I will sacrifice more and when it rains I will lay in the grass. I will fill each pocket with a memory and bury it for a time you question your worth. Now I know we are each only one person, but one voice in a crowd is like a raindrop on the ocean surface. It will grow and spread no matter your message, so try your hardest to make yours count. 

                         16/30

-J

One day

One day I will write something that I can stand behind. I will paint a picture so beautiful I could swear I saw my own soul. I will fill a shoebox with adventures written on notecards and fill a mason jar with failures, I will live an interesting life. I will see the world from the peak of enlightenment and I will know all of the right things to say. One day the person I wish to be will be who I am and I will know where I am going, but that day is not today, and so tonight I will sleep. 

                        15/30

-J

Ribs

Ribs like willow tree branches sway in and out with every inhale and exhale, like the billows of an accordion. They curve like impatiently waiting fingers tapping in succession like the feet of a centipede one after another after another after another. Both pliable and immovable, flexible and rigid they hold each of us upright they provide support and protection they hold us together. Ribs to spine to collar bone to shoulders they are where the feelings hit and they fracture under the weight of important decisions. Bones are unsure but they are permanent like mammoth fossils in the dirt they cry out "remember me I was here do not forget me learn from me" they creak and ache like an oak forest in a thunderstorm heavily burdened with robins nests and bark rough from experience. Each one still growing, still repairing, still learning growing in rings like 1000 year old stumps. Ribs like willow tree branches cry out "hold me". 

                          14/30

-J 

A reminder of: Copernican Heliocentrism

You do not own me. I can not be placed inside your box of right or wrong because I do not exsist for your evaluation. I am not here to please you or impress or follow your rules, I am here for my own sake. So keep your scrap of unsolicited advice and take a moment to realize the planet we are on travels around the sun, not the opinions of one. You are not my beginning or end, you are not my friend so do not judge me. I am not yours, you do not own me. My decisions I've heard so much about were not made for you. I do not need validation for the things I say, I do not need editing or revising because every mistake I make I make with purpose. I have and always will stand on one undeniable truth, and that is my validity as an individual. Do not define me, do not crucify me I am not to be made an example of. So take your eyes off of me, I am not yours. I will change in the ways that I see fit, my body my mind my life is only for my benefit. You do not own me I am not yours to judge. 

                          13/30

-J

Brevity

                          I have nothing. 

               Nothing much to say except, 

                 there is beauty in silence 

               and a peace within simplicity. 

                      Be still and enjoy it. 

                     

                                12/30

                                                

Selfie

Sunburnt skin like rose colored wallpaper with freckles spattered around like they are trying to tell you a secret. Eyebrows, a bit unruly like they might have a better place to be, settled between the tiniest widows peak and two different shaped eyes, the one on the left always seems just a tad smaller the right, possibly from always squinting with that one eye, possibly from being exactly one half Korean, who is to say? Large ears that peak around the corners of a smile as if they want to make sure they aren't forgotten. Irises seemingly flat, like pond water at first glance, but actually outlined and patterned by ridges like the grand canyon. A nose that is sometimes too flat to hold up sunglasses settled above the slightest suggestion of a cuspid's bow. Two lips to tie the whole thing together and a chin that rounds off a heart shaped face, my face, as of April eleventh two thousand and fourteen. 

                            11/30

-J

Balance

                        Simplicity is

                    Easier to imagine 

                  Than to accomplish

                          

                           25/30

-J

On your way home

You have cells that make electricity and you have cells that create acid. You build bones and grow muscle and you have always known how to breathe. Inside of your brain you have words that can move nations and ideas that could bring a person to tears, you are made of energy. The same energy that erupted from the Big Bang is used every time a synapsis fires in your brain you are a child of the universe. You walk in a body but every idea you have or every pattern you follow is made from a roadmap of A T G and C. You are a walking talking and breathing molecule you are a three dimensional sculpture. Us humans are durable, we take pretty well to breaks and tears and fantastic accidents, we are survivors. Each one of us carries histories of successful  genes in every one of our cells, we are walking legacies. Our skeleton is rigid but we are flexible we shift we change we adapt, we become better. Every mistake points us in the right direction, every wrong turn leads us to where we were supposed to be, we are on our way. There are millions of years in every breath you take so trust yourself, listen to yourself, feel your heart pump blood to your feet and follow them. When you want something, take it. When you feel something, trust it. Because like birds with magnetic brains you already know where you are going and there is nothing you can do wrong.  

You are on your way, and the only path there is to follow is the one you're meant to be on. 

                          10/30

-J

                    

A lullaby.

If you can't sleep remember that there is someone out there who thinks about you when they write. Remember that the pyramids in Egypt line up with stars in space, think about your heart and how it beats at the same time as someone miles and miles and miles and miles away remember that there is someone out there that feels exactly how you feel. Think about how you have heard somewhere that without a big toe you would have to relearn how to walk. Count the time between inhales and count the times you have failed, call them "the regrets for another day" tell yourself you exsist, wonder about who you would be if you were born somewhere else, think about learning a new language. Play the same song over and over in your head listen to the train that is coming and the wind that is blowing. When you can't sleep think about a person's smile that you've memorized, think back on times when you wished you would have said something, done something, tried something. Think again about trying them. Think about nice dinners and formal dances and wedding receptions. Think about frog feet and pillows and pool parties. Think about sleep. Physics taught me the stuff we call air can be thought of as a fluid. And just like water in a cool summer time pool your actions can be felt by others within the same fluid. Raise your hand up, push on the air around you, and cause a storm in France, the butterfly effect. Remember you matter. Remember you are important, remember you are loved. Now close your eyes, and feel sleep pull you in like sinking, and dream of summer. 

      

                           9/30

-J          

Friends aren't very friendly

The first thing I was told after writing my first ever post was "I think it's stupid". I fell in love with a jacket and was told it was too big and I was trying too hard. I was trying to be supportive and was told "your decisions scare me, you let the world influence you, I am uncomfortable being around you". The week of homecoming none of my friends voted for me. When I lost they laughed and said "Justin thought he had it in the bag". My friends aren't very friendly. My friends like to see each other fail. They love being the best and hate when they see others succeed. I am writing this because I want them to understand that I am not here to impress you. I will live and love as I do only for me, whatever competition we have agreed to I would like to officially resign from. I want to be friends with people who invite you to their prom group, who put your name up for Hollyball king and queen, who are excited when you do well, and who make you better. If you cannot offer me positive direction I don't want you as a part of my life. Gardening has always scared me because sometimes to make a plant grow you have to cut off all of the parts that have died. So I stand here ready to move on. To only pursue those who make me smile. To cut away the parts of my life that have dried up. I am thankful for your influence in my life because you have made me see what I really want. But I think we all know we aren't who we were, and we can't be who we were, we can only be who we are today. And what we are is different and things just aren't the same. 

                          8/30

-J

To my most blue bird

A blue bird layed down in the ground and sang 

"nothing beautiful should be kept in a cage, iron rusts and bones decay, and nothing gold can stay". 

The bird became dust and and in his grave became 

the flowers of the garden that very next spring. 

The sun shone and the plants grew and all things beautiful were in full bloom. Everything was right and everything was blue,

I am made of dust and you are too. 

One day we will give back to the bird what we took away, the sun will shine and the plants will grow 

and what we were will be beautiful. 

Back to the earth back to our home where we were belong 

where our bones long to be, 

laid down like all the flowers of spring. You and I are the same, both golden in our youth 

but always remember, the most beautiful things are not in gold, they are in green. 

                          7/30

-J

To those I love most dearly.

The people who are in my life today are the people who I would give up my freedom for. My people are my family, they are painters, and laughers, and sidewalk crack jumpers. They are loud and unruly and very often inappropriate. They have minds that are open and curious and they give their love like a child. My people are all colors and ages and sizes but all of them are lovers. They love being happy and they love making other people happy, they carry people's secrets in tight lipped mouths, and carry people burdens in their pockets along with heads up pennies for goodluck. My people are beautiful because they care about other people, they support people and they fight for people. I try very hard every day to be more like my people because my people are inherently good. I only have a few people nowadays that I truly call my own. The others around are a variety of awful, but there are those few who accept people for who they are, who don't go back on a promise and who know when a person is no good for them. Those people are the ones I put faith into to change the world, to talk a person off of a ledge, and to make a person feel that they matter. If you are my person I hope you know how dearly I love you. I am better because of you, and I hope in some way you have become better by knowing me. Here is to the people who see and love beautiful things. 

I love you 

-J

                             6/30

Who will love me/How I am.

Who will love me when my jokes are no good, when all I want to do is sleep. Who will bury my bones under the roots of an oak and wait for the sun to rise before they leave me there? Who will see the most shallow underdeveloped and superficial parts of me and understand I can't always speak or act how you expect me to? What friends will stand by my side no matter what decisions I make? Who will tell me to believe in myself and tell me to trust myself? Who will be there when I need them and understand that sometimes I need to be left alone? I am aggravating, I contradict myself, I second guess myself and I'm never really sure how I feel. I aim to be something and more often than not I can't pull it off. I repeat myself and say things without thinking and am maybe not what you anticipate me to be. And I am sorry, but I want you to know that I am trying. I am trying to be better, I am trying to mean what I say, I am trying to focus on other people rather than myself. I am trying to never pretend to be something I'm not. I'm learning my limits like a child learns to walk and I am falling more than I am standing, I have scrapes and bruises on my knees but like a child one day I will walk and one day I will run and who I want to be will be who I am. 

 

I'm getting there one fall at a time. I am trying to be better. I am going to be better.  

                          5/30

-J 

- Memories from just over a year ago -

1. Washington D.C. was hot, miserably hot all the time, it's the place I started wearing sunglasses, when I only shaved one side of my head and where I still ate bacon

2. Band camp was hot, it was miserably hot the show was patriotically themed, I watched Kill Bill and I ate lunch with my best friend everyday 

3. Swim team was exhausting I worked on pre-calc and physics every night, I was never at my house, I stopped eating meat

4. Lorraine was out of town Liam and I slammed sticker stick figures on a red wall and they stayed like that for months 

5. I was "sick" and missed swim team because I found two perfectly good and abandoned Christmas trees in the parking lot, naturally I grabbed Rachel strapped them to our cars and made Christmas in a basement 

6. The night three of us gave up on pre-calc or physics and listend to records and looked at the red wall and existed 

7. I found 127th, later got my passport and went there to celebrate, Ellie Goulding was on when the off duty flashlight shown through the window

8. I accidently went to Riverfest everyday, I cut all my pants into shorts I saw Tegan and Sara and The Lumineers, Liam and I sat on top of my car made a playlist and got horrible tan lines 

9. I ate sno cones everyday, I learned about adventure, I made a blog and ridiculous plans, I learned I had a voice and I learned that I like people who cared, I learned about the square root of two, went on a cruise and got a horrible sunburn and went to prom with my most favorite people 

Last year changed how I view things. Last year was the worst and best times of my life. √2

                              4/30 

-J 

For Micha

Every feature of her was long, and tall, and self assured. She walked into Mr. Sherows' physics one class as if she'd been there a thousand times turned to us and told us how things were going to be without saying a word. She spoke of eastern religion and vegetarianism and the Red Sea scrolls in one breath, you see Micha doesn't take time to catch a breath or to double check if you're following along, she knows what she has to say and will make sure it is said weather someone is listening or not. She is so very smart and her beauty transcends physical features she is a summer time storm cloud, she has dark contoures under her eyes like she has seen the whole world in 79 days. Micha came into my life when I was at a very fragile state, she taught me how to be strong and she taught me how to think by myself. She believed in my crazy ideas of adventure and never laughed at me as if they were impossible. She told me I had a voice and she told me to use it. Micha is the reason I am who I am today. She is flaky and sparatic and you're never completely sure what is on her mind but she tells the lunch ladies they are beautiful and makes friends with the kids who sit alone. Micha is a lion of a woman and she will not take being mistreated no one could ever put her in a box. Micha knows who she is and what she wants and knows that she doesn't have to know the future, the future like everyone and everything else, waits for her. She has taught me, she has eaten outside with me, she has burnt off my leg hair, she has been my friend. 

Here is to the girl with sleep deprived green eyes and shoulder padded shoulders. Here is to Micha. 

                             3/30

-J

Freckles

My freckles dot across my face like stars in the sky. Everyday I look in the mirror and no matter how I feel, I am reminded that I am a rightful child of the universe. I am no less a child of this earth than the oaks in a forest. Like them my feet are planted deep in the ground and my head is lost in the clouds, this is where I belong. I belong here exactly where I am. I am like the wind or the clouds I only matter because I exist. It's important to know that you don't owe the world anything. You are meant to be what you are, and to feel what is in front of you.  All you are required to do is breathe and feel your heartbeat. Can't you feel the universe in your lungs? Can't you just feel all those around you just as confused as you are? Can you feel the people searching for a god or a dream to believe in. Just feel, just feel the air around you and breathe. 

I don't really know much I only know my heart beat is as valid as all of those before me. My rightful place is here. I am home. This is our home. 

                           2/30 

-J

My face

I write because I have a very short time to say everything that I'm ever going to say. I hate leaving things unsaid, and what about when I die? The only thing that lives forever is words. They are what brought us up from the ground to where we are now. These shapes of letters are a piece of me, a far better picture than any one I've ever taken. In person I'm rarely able to say what I want to say, I'm always flustered and confused and words just don't come to me the same. There is a power in writing, in translating thoughts to something tangible. In making a new path in the universe. I want who I am to make a difference, I refuse to leave this world without making some noise. Without adding a few ripples to the ocean. All I have and all I am is my words. So here is my face and my eyes and every thought I've ever had, they are here for you to have on these pages. 

                        1/30

- JcK

A search for my people

I love things that make me feel passionate. I'm not really one to stand behind causes or corporations, but give me a book, play me a song, show me a painting and I will become them. I will feel so deeply connected I could swear I was made from pages of a book. At the climax of a Grainger folk song I can feel electricity in my palms. When I finish a book, no matter the ending, I feel like crying and screaming at the top of my lungs. I love people with smiles that tell you they have really great stories. I love looking at a person and seeing all the adventures we're going to have together. I feel like I'm a thousand and I feel like I'm two. At night on top of my car looking into the wide open sky I am that first person that ever looked up and saw the stars. I forget what century I'm in on a daily basis. I love so many things and I annoyingly obsess about shows and composers and people I've never actually met, but these things just have a way of working themselves inside my head. I love beautiful things and sometimes that's just all I can think about. I love things and I love love. I love loving people and books, and shows and just love feeling things that make me feel excited. I'm looking for people who feel the same. Who feel religiously about words and art and planting plants. I'm looking for the people who cry because they're happy, who walk on balance beam curbs and run barefoot in grocery stores. I want to fall down laughing with people and then fall asleep. I want dirty feet and painted hands and sloppily cut hair. Come with me, tell me everything that makes you want to run, tell me about all things that make your arms itch and your skin crawl. 

Let's go on an adventure, I don't care where we go.   

Make your passions mine  

-J

Boom De Adda

I don't know why I speak like I am in love, because I don't truly love any one person. But I do love taking deep breaths, I love touching everything with my hands. I love wandering around with nowhere but somewhere to go. I don't necessarily love running but I do love being out of breath. I love the feeling when you have to stifle a laugh but it keeps bubbling up and it spills out of your mouth like foam. I love being warm. I love being held and I love being told I'm headed the right direction. I love people who make me laugh, in fact if you can make me laugh you can make me love you forever. I love the ocean and salt and seashells. I love the sun like she's my mother. I love spinning in circles. I love trampolines and high dives and roller coasters with huge drops. I love marveling at wonderful things like huge buildings and caterpillar cocoons. I love blankets and jackets and not wearing socks. I love yelling and being loud, I love sitting on the ground and laying on the ground and being on the ground. I love summer rain and swinging during a thunderstorm. I love 127th and cows and going to the zoo. I love petting dogs and painting. I love singing music that makes you feel something. I love getting so excited my voice cracks and my hands shake. I love pleasing and impressing and pissing off. I love making people feel something. I love compliments and people who love themselves and people who dance. I love people who are in love and I love people who've fallen out of love. I love mountains and trees and cacti and fabric. I love museum smell and rain smell and book smell and memory smell. I love rocks and fish and sleeping. I just love things that make me feel like they are important. I love things that mean something and people who stand for something. I love things that matter. There's is a place in my heart for all things, no matter how broken or confused. I will love you because you matter and I will matter because I love you. 

Love is all that matters 

 

The end of a Winter

I hold a lot of grudges. I carry them around my legs like weights prisoners are assigned in order to keep them near the ground. My head replays and replays and replays moments in time that I wish I could forget. The time friends made fun of my height, the times I was made to feel like a lesser, and the times where friends have abandoned me for something more appealing. The kind of etching and scrapes and scaring I carry from being discarded are the kind that are slow to heal. They have left marks across my face and all down my sides. I feel anger in my heart, my hands shake and I can hear the blood in my ears. I am aggravated easily, I make decisions rashly, and I form opinions based off of whatever I feel first. I'm flighty and bitterness is not a good color on me. I've decided the only way to live is free from all hate. All I can promise is a conscious effort to see only the things that make my heart smile. Dogs hold no record of wrong. I'll try harder to be more like them. I miss the days when I felt unburdened and free to explore. With winter coming to an end, so will my perpetual stubbornness to be unhappy. And so tonight I pray I dream of flowers and summer and the time when life was more simple. 

Life is much harder to love if you only focus on the space between breaths. 

Dream of summer for me 

Goodnight

-J

To you my love

Getting older scares me. I saw something sweet on the Internet and it hit me in chest like a ton of bricks. I have a lot of feelings and sometimes I have none. I'm the loudest when I'm the most insecure. I'm usually also the funniest then too. I will never let someone make me pathetic ever again. All these years being small has taught me to hate being looked down on. That's why I wear my fathers steel toed  boots. I obsess easily. I fall in love with things easily. I imagine people as the best they can be. I don't eat meat because I feel like an animals soul is more pure than mine. I eat plants because they take our waste and drink in the sun and grow from the ground that birthed us, and they taste like home. I love sunburns. I love being barefoot and I love clothes that make you feel like you have something to say. Becasue I do have something to say, even if it's a whole list of nothing's, because those nothing's are me, I am the space between decisions, I am the eyes that remember the past, I have a brain and lungs and as long as I have air to breath I will be yelling hoping someone hears me hoping my voice can impact another. I've only ever loved two people, and I'm not even sure it was love. So I want to love more people, I want to care for more people I want to hold the worst parts of more people and I want to truly see more people. I will paint more and learn more and I will make everything and everyone I touch better. I want to be felt and heard and I want to matter. To be missed is to be loved. And you miss me I know you do. Whatever happened to people sticking together being a member of the tribe or the clan or the church used to mean something, now none of us have anybody. People don't care about people we all have beating hearts and we don't care about each other. What kind of life are we living. We hate because we don't understand and we hate because we understand too much and everyone seems to know everything it makes me sick. I barely know anything, the only thing I'm certain of is absolute uncertainty. We all pretend to know so much but none of us know anything, scientist, priest, politician, exceptionally well read tween, we're all on this rock and we are walking in bodies that we woke up in and we don't know where we came from so stop. Just breath because that's something we all know, if you stop thinking you can feel the collective inhale and exhale of everything living on this earth. You are a piece of the whole, you belong, you are loved and needed and valuable. Your voice fills the sails of someone else's mind. You matter because you exist. 

I will always love you

-J