Maybe love

Maybe in this world there is no fate, no great cosmic alignment, every stranger is just a stranger, a tragedy just a tragedy. Maybe no person or promise is good. Out there, maybe there is no one waiting, no one who is perfectly made for you. Maybe this world is dark, and mean, and there are no happy endings. Whether it is by choice or design, or just out of necessity, the world I see is a little more romantic. Every step no matter how wrong is in the right direction, every decision carries its own weight, each interaction has its purpose. In the world I see, people no matter how mean or cold or jaded, are looking for something that maybe you have to offer. I see people who care about what they do, who care for those around them, who mean what they say. I see a place in this world that is waiting just for you, purpose and belonging, a feeling of relief like "I can't believe I used to be so scared". More often than not, for good or for bad, life has been nothing like what I had expected. From day to day you don't have a chance at guessing where you're going, where you'll end up. The only thing you have control of is how kind, how generous, how caring, how optimistically you see the world. Each one of us has no clue what is going on, what we're doing, love everyone you can, be good, be kind, be understanding, love.

                         30/30

  

Be love

Love everyone. Love everything. Be patient. Be kind. Try to be better. 

                        29/30

Sometimes I

Sometimes I worry I'm not as smart as I once was. Or as funny, or as good of a writer. I feel used up, dried out. Is it possible all of my good days are gone? Has any talent I had just evaporated? I worry I won't find passion, or purpose. Sometimes I am afraid. Sometimes I am lonely. But for better or for worse this is who I am. This body is mine, these choices are mine. Different doesn't always have mean worse, a lot of times different just means different. I have changed, I am changing, I am something new each day. 

                          28/30

Out there

Out there, there are people with lives that I will never live. The football star, or the prom queen, the doctor, or the celebrity. There are people living in places I'll never see, and experiencing things I can't even imagine. There is so much outside of my life, away from my path. But in this moment, in this place, in my life, I will live to the fullest. 

                            27/30

You have

You have made it this far, you will make it through this. 

                           26/30

The day

Whether it is a dream, or a person, or a god, or even yourself. Everyone needs something to believe in just to make it through the day. 

                            25/30  

Goodnight tomorrow

Goodnight to the dreamer and the over thinker, and to the lover without a lover. Sweet dreams to the try hard and the wannabe, the lost and to the lonely. A prayer for the misguided and for the misunderstood, for the anxious and the hopeful and the broken down and needy. In this whole wide world I hope for nothing but love to surround you, and hold you, and tuck you in at night. I hope that when you fall, you fall with grace and stand up more confidently than before. I hope you have passion, and compassion, and understanding and love in your heart. Go to sleep tonight, and be kind tomorrow. Sleep tonight and give someone love tomorrow. Fall asleep tonight and be better tomorrow. 

                          24/30

Will be.

Be kind and work hard. Be patient and tender. Be thoughtful and caring and fully invested in what you do. Mean what you say, try the best that you can. Love will come. Happiness will come. And everything will be as it should. 

                            23/30

Your life

So much of life happens by chance. Everyone floating in and out of each other's path. Friends become strangers, the world keeps turning. Maybe you've bumped into someone who could've changed your life a thousand times, but never got any closer than a smile. People and days become routine. The person you are becomes a character, just running through the motions of it all. Eventually you only feel genuine when you're alone. Living like this is easy. You don't have to think, or care, or really participate. You spend your days reacting appropriately, making jokes that aren't funny. You live easily, unremarkably. But to live, to experience, to get out of life what you want, takes effort. It takes sweat and embarassment and sharing things you wish you didn't. Living is hard, always running is hard, but when your face shines with sweat and your knuckles are covered in blood, when you feel your heart beating out of your chest, at least you know without a doubt that you are alive.  

                           22/30

You might

You might feel lonely, or tired, or maybe even sad. Life can be tough, it's easy to get worn out. But everyday is different, everything is new. Good things are coming. Just go to sleep tonight. Sweet dreams.

                          21/30 

You are

I have been distracted, my head filled up with the thoughts of others. A steady stream of wondering how others see me. In the spaces between being noticed, I have filled up my head with music or imaginary interactions, scared maybe to be completely alone. I have wasted time and energy and hours of my day running away from being by myself, from being alone. I have left entire horizons of myself unexplored, emaciated and underdeveloped. Sometimes I feel small, unsure and looking for direction. I catch myself looking for someone to show me where to go, who to be. But I've learned that's not how it works. Discovery takes loneliness, and time, and even disappointment. I have never learned anything important from something that came easily. Life can be hard, and upsetting, or even sad. But every challenge, or obstacle, or mistake is an opportunity to be find out who you are. 

I am

I am whole. A complete idea, a home. I am not alone or in need, I am my own. Sometimes wanting or sometimes confused, but in the end, always enough.  

                       19/30  

Every thing

What I know and what I have to say is simple. Be happy, be your own home, listen to the rain, listen to the birds, know your worth and know you are worthy, be patient and be kind. Love every thing.

                            18/30 

Thank you

I look around myself and see where I am today. All of the things that I have, and all that I've gotten to do. I think about how privaledged I am, how lucky. But it's really not by chance that I am where I am, that I have all that I have. I stand on the shoulders of all of those who have sacrificed for me. My grandparents moving across an ocean. My father working everyday of his life. My mother fighting for everything she's ever had. There has never been a day where I haven't known how entirely and fully I am loved. I have been selfish and disappointing and ugly and mean, but  still everyday I wake up in a life that feels like it's a gift. To those responsible, thank you for caring for me, and supporting me, and for always having faith that I won't disappoint. I will work hard for you and take care of you and I will try hard not to let you down. Thank you for everything, thank you for the life that I have. 

                         17/30 

Believe me,

Everything will be fine, it's all okay, and everything will always work out.  

                       16/30

Sometimes I

Sometimes I am lonely and wanting. I imagine for myself things that I can not have, or haven't had yet. My days can feel small or insignificant. I wonder if I am remembered or even thought of. I wish for closeness and for belonging. I think of missed opportunities, for friendship or fulfillment or for connection. All of these things weigh me down, make me heavy and fill my stomach with longing. In these times I do not feel weak. I do not feel broken or sad, I feel human. I feel at home amongst the unknown of the future, and am uplifted by what tomorrow may bring. 

                            15/30

You will

You will attract love by loving yourself, and you will find compassion by being compassionate. If you want to see change, go out and make it. If you want to be inspired, than you must be inspiring. Be kind and patient and understanding, be what you want to see in the world. 

                           14/30

I hope

I hope you find love, and kindness, and a place to call your home, that you make a family for yourself, and you feel connected and understood. I hope that you get so excited, so passionate about your own life you can't even think of words to describe it, that you fall in love, with strangers and places and flowers on your walk. I hope you never feel like you must compromise yourself for another, that you find confidence and you find love for yourself. Because you are important, and special, and you are loved, you are loved, you are loved. All you need is faith and trust and peace in your heart, and baby, you'll be on your way. 

                         13/30   

As I

As I listen to the rain I think of the mistakes I've made, the things I've said or the letters I've written. I think of the words I've used, the things I forgot to say, I wonder if they could have made a difference.  I think of how I've handled situations, of my motivations at the time. I think of all the characters I've played, of the people that have come in and out of my life. As I lay here, as the lightning lights up my room I ask myself if there is anything I wish I could change. And as I think of it, as I weigh how I have grown, how I have been changed because of my shortcomings. I don't think there is.

  

                          12/30 

Hard work

Work is hard. Back aches, sore feet. You feel so tired you go to bed at eight o'clock. But feeling useful, having a purpose, feeling like you belong, makes hard work not so hard.

                            11/30

Embrace change

I am my standard, my example, my only competition. Each day is just a chance to learn more about myself. My mind and my clothes are different everyday. I am what I am, I'm becoming who I am. Changing all the time, getting older, experiencing more. I've seen nice people, and unhappy people, people who worry. I've been all those people myself. A year can change a person, but so can a month, or a day, or a decision. Everyone has growing pains, and sometimes people grow in opposite directions. I say "I love you" to what I love today, but won't make promises for the future. Embrace change and embrace growth. Things will be different with or without your permission, try and make them different for the better.  

                 

                            10/30

Stranger's lives

It's hard to imagine that you are a stranger in most people's lives. Just another person they pass on the street or bump into in the grocery store. Their heads are full of their own ideas their own worries, they have their own plans for the weekend. Some people that you see, you won't ever see again. It's hard to imagine that your choices probably don't impact every person you see. We only see out of our own eyes, it's makes sense that were a little selfish, a little self centered. It's easy to forget that your choice in clothes or anecdotes or your running after the bus, doesn't play the same part in the lives of others, as it does in your own. I worry how others see me, I wonder if I'm getting my point across. When I see a stranger I admire them, and ask why I don't treat myself the same way. Most of the time you aren't being criticized, or laughed at, sometimes you aren't being thought of at all. Take peace in that, take comfort in knowing you aren't always being examined, sometimes you can just exist. 

                            9/30

A reminder

I try to imagine the lives of others. How they got where they are, what they have seen. I wonder if they felt loved by their mothers. I think of their heartbreaks, of the lives they had imagined for themselves. I imagine them in love and happy, or how they felt on their wedding day. I see them worry about their children, or their grades, I see the laughs they have shared or the sadness they have felt. I think of their families, and their jobs, and the crushes they have. I wonder what they think of as they fall sleep. I think of the lonely, the cruel, the bitter. I think of what happened to them, what life they've lived through, what stories they have to tell. I imagine their life and compare it to mine. I try to be understanding.       

                            8/30 

My today

Tonight I don't know what to say. Things always seem so unremarkable when life is good, when things are easy. Today I am comfortable in silence, or when I am sitting with others. I'm happy being alone or in a crowd. I have seen old friends and made new ones, remembered good things and forgotten the bad. I feel happy, and I feel at home. I wish when I were low there was a way to remind myself what this peace feels like. What it feels like to be strong, and to be sure. But life doesn't seem to work like that, you have to ride the waves as they come, roll with punches. I imagine a life with only the best parts, and if given the option, I don't think I would take it. Life feels better with contrast, the highs a little sweeter. Happiness and love or peace can be fleeting, I will hold on to them when I have them, and I will wait for them when I do not. 

                              7/30

A promise

I can't promise you love, or success, or that all of your dreams will come true. I can't promise you'll be understood, or considered, or even remembered. But if you approach everyone, if you go at everything with an open heart and with good intention, good things will come your way.     

                            6/30

Everything that

Sometimes life feels like it's sitting on my chest. Everything seems to boil over all at once, run off in its own direction. Unanswered messages, things I've forgotten to do, things that I've needed to do for a while. I look at myself, running around in circles, putting out one fire and discovering two more. Life feels hectic, frayed and flailing. It all seems so massive, so unmoveable. How did I end up here? How do I get out? What I have realized is this, I have made it this far, I have taken every day one at a time, and the future will be no different. I have always gotten exactly what, and everything that I have ever wanted, and of the things I didn't, I realize I have been made better, without them.  

                            5/30

Tomorrow morning

Some nights I feel lost because I'm unsure of what it is that I love. I feel unattached, disconnected like I could finish a day with nothing to remember. I look back on my life and question my decisions, I see my past through different eyes, like watching the life of a stranger. What have I done here, what is it that I am trying to do? I worry about the future, afraid of passing through it all unnoticed, unremarked upon. With all the pieces of my life and all the replayed memories, I find myself unimpressed, underwhelmed by what I have accomplished. What I have said, who I've become. I feel small. I feel afraid. Lost in these thoughts I can stay awake for hours. Unable to change the past and unable to predict the future I put myself to sleep with the promise that tomorrow I will be brand new, I will do my best I will try my hardest. The world and myself will become more clear, in the morning, I will fall in love with something new. 

                               4/30

A monument

I will be your home, or your tree to stand under in the storm. I'll be a lighthouse or a compass or a constellation, maybe I'll leave more confused than when you started. I might not know why I am smiling, I might not know where I am, but I am happy, just because. I might not be who I think I am, or look how I think I do, but I am still who I'm supposed to be, and I am happy. If you need to be held or laughed at or treated kindly, ask me. If you are so angry your eyes water and your fists feel like breaking, tell me about it. If you feel lost or confused or completely out of your league, join the club. I want to care for you. I want to hear what you have to say. Sometimes I just don't know how to ask. Tell me about your day, about how you made that stranger smile, or how you made that big mistake, that look on that woman's face when she thought no one was looking. Commune with me. Invest in me, I will try hard not to let you down. I will be better. I will care for you. I will remember you, and because of that you will be a piece of me. That's eternity, that's forever that right there. Sharing yourself with another, remembering another person, carrying someone with you every day you're alive. I'll be your legacy, I'll be your memory, I'll be your monument. I will be your home, and whatever else you need from me.

                            3/30   

A conversation

What am I to you, am I your friend? What are we doing here? Do you really mean what you say? Do I? Why are we all playing this game, be honest with me. Conversation is complicated, layered, do you mean what you say? What am I to you, am I your joke? Do you take me seriously? Am I making a difference? What are we doing here? Tell me what you really think, stop agreeing with me. Why do we keep doing this, this same thing over and over? What am I to you, is your invitation just a courtesy? "What are you doing on Saturday?". Tell me what you want to say, don't just pretend, be honest with me. What are we doing here, am I your friend? What am I to you? "We should hang out more". Be sincere, be honest with me. What am I to you? Is this going well? Did you understand what I meant?  What am I to you, what are we doing here, be honest with me am I your friend? Am I making a difference, are you taking me seriously? What am I to you?

                               

                           2/30

An affirmation

I will understand and I will be kind. I will be patient. I will forgive. When others speak to me I will listen. All anyone really wants is to feel understood, for someone to make them feel like they are making the right decision or, to feel like they matter. I imagine strangers as myself, just trying to, make a connection, to be heard. Deep down people really are good, they just want to be loved or, really just liked. It's sad to think of all the bitter or heartbroken or lonely people out there who just want to have someone to say goodnight to. Underneath it all none of us know what we're doing, we're all a little lost, a little unsure. Just drifting through space together with no clue where we're going. We should all be more kind, more understanding. We should love each other. Love how we swing our arms when we walk, or how we laugh when we're uncomfortable. None of us is that different from the other. Be genuine, be tender, be caring. Love more. Love one another. 

                              1/30